I've come to the realization that the things I hate often vastly outnumber the things that I love. It sucks. I say often because the things I hate and love can switch places or even fade entirely from my 'mental list' depending on the day- For example, if I'm with Lydia, my best friend, usually the things I love outnumber the things that I hate, and the things that I hate seem smaller in comparison to how they seemed a day before. But if I'm home- At my house, with my mom and sister and my fucking grandmother- then I become acutely aware of how much everything I hate is worth, and how much everything that I love is. And when I think of that, then the balance between hate and love is more like 97/3, rather than the say… 12/88 that it feels like when I'm with Lydia. And it makes me angry- So fucking angry- when I think of this that I want to vomit and cut open my face at the same time. And that sounds really ridiculous but god fucking dammit it's true.

I'm so angry, all the time. I'm aware that this is a problem now, but I don't know how to solve it. Being angry makes me upset. And being upset makes me depressed. And being depressed makes me hate myself. And hating myself makes me angry. And the cycle continues, and I don't know what to do.